Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Fluff Interviews Arthur About Chinese Year of the Dog

By Elaine Meinel Supkis

We are conducting an exciting experiment: interviewing a celebrity online, using our comments section! Today, we wish to interview Arthur, the online literary sensation, about the Chinese Year of the Dog.
Hello, everyone. You have probably seen my gorgeous face on this blog, both with the inept cartoons of the human that is my personal slave and from equally inept photographs which will do, for now. I do consider changing slaves but feel a sense of responsibility for the one I own right now and I realize, good slaves are hard to find. Arthur, I want to introduce you to a possible fiance, for the Year of the Dog is, according to the Chinese, a good year to get hitched.

And I want to get rid of this dumb dog, so perhaps we can work out a deal. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, marry a dog and go down the hatch!

Heh. Meow.
Year of the Dog! Year of the Dog! Give me a bone! I want to be hugged! I love everyone! Bark bark.

Wow, Fluff, you really do care about me! I thought, when you swipe at my nose when sitting on my beloved owner's lap, you didn't like me all that much!
(Examining the super sharp claws, critically) I think I better go to the office door and give my claws a good workout. Obviously, they aren't sharp enough.

Look, DOOOOG, I have to think of everything around here including YOU. *shudder* You are so friendly and anxious to please, it makes me positively ill. The grand art of the cold shoulder, the imperious glance, the refusal to move out of a slave's chair when they want to sit down, no wonder dogs are slaves of humans. Well.

Today, we wish to negotiate with Arthur who seems to be an up and coming best selling author and who is, according to my spies in his own house, a bachelor, too. We have a picture of him already for this interview and want to chat with him below in the comments section. We will then move the chat here and illustrate it with the assistance of my personal slave, Elaine, if she doesn't flub things as usual.

Time to groom me, Elaine. I hope to see Arthur here some time this morning. Thank you, everyone, for your patience (that dog better show up....errrrr).

First off, here is the URL for news about the Chinese New Year: Year of the Dog>
My agent said this would happen. It all happened because Xlibris invited me to give them some money so I could publish my work. It is true. I received an email. I wrote about it at my blog.

Oh. Usually I do not talk directly to cats unless they can do something for me. But Fluff, you seem to have some impressive connections, so I will talk to you. I am a confirmed bachelor, though. Management saw to that. Special surgery and all. That is why I have a lot of bonhomie. I do not chase girls or cars.
Hi, Arthur.

This is the Year of the Dog. I know, it is a black year for us cats, but my slave's daughter is getting married this year to someone who is Chinese and so I suppose it is all OK but her cats told me, she should have waited for the Year of the Tiger, instead.

I am sorry to hear about your operation (HAHAHA) but then, there are already too many dogs here, anyways.

Are you planning any special celebrations or whatnot like fireworks tonight?
Fireworks are out of the question. Even though I am a true (Welsh) American, I do not like them, even on the Fourth of July. It's really windy here in the heartland, and we would not want to catch someone's house on fire, like ours for example. Maybe we will have Chinese takeout. I like crispy wonton and Moo goo gai pan or really anything, except those little red peppers. Our favorite Chinese restaurant of all time was called Pig Heaven on the Upper West Side. We have Chan's Garden here. Judy is the owner from Singapore. She is nice, but dogs can't come inside because liberals made a stupid law.
Hi, good looking! Wow. Too bad about the ops.

I HATE red peppers. Even old Fluff hates them. We do LOVE Chinese take-out and firmly believe all dogs, when they die, go to a giant "All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet" in Heaven! I love finger-food.

Does your owner let you bury bones? Mine does, so long as it isn't in the peony flower patch by her office window.

(I grew up around loud bangs from guns so fireworks aren't a problem)

Also, I heard they let dogs eat out in Paris. Have you ever considered moving there?
Yo, Akamaru!

I like girl dogs and all. It's just - well, you know. I have a young friend, Tigger, who you might like, but his people are nuts. Always check out the people before making a commitment.

Yes, I can bury anything I want. Once I helped to bury a cat. His name was Vinnie. Actually, I helped plant tulips bulbs on his grave. My face got a little dirty, and my "owner" gave me a bath.

Akamaru, you have to get over this "owner" business. I have been around a long time. It's fine to pretend to sit and settle and stay, but in your own mind, you have to say to yourself, "Akamaru, YOU are the master."

Peonys are very nice. Tasha Tudor has peonys. And she has Corgis, so anything Tasha Tudor has is A-OK with me.

I know how you can get a buffet before you go to heaven, but you have to get Fluff in on the caper. Maybe we shouldn't talk about it online.

Unless I could hitch a ride with Barney Bush or some other rich dog who does not have to ride in the cargo hold, I would not go to Paris.

The French humans are ahead of the ones here, it sounds like to me. I like eclairs. And French Fries.
Whoa! Wait.

Akamaru, go to the other room, I have to talk alone here for a minuto, OK?

Hissss. What are you, Arthur, some sort of REVOLUTIONARY? Commie dog? First you talk about burying cats, you Khruschev, you, then you suggest the dog here go off on a power trip?

Think you are some sort of Canine Che?

I got a good thing going here. Better not rock my boat, if you get my drift.
Elcairs! I love to listen "Au Elcaire de la Lune" by Debussy.

Problem with France is, you got to speak French. I can't. Fluff can, but then, he is multilingual since he seems to use his eyes to talk, some sort of hypnotism.

I stare at humans and end up looking sad.

oops. Typo. "Eclair" I meant.
Gads, dogs can entertain if nothing else.
If you would read my blog, you would know that I am a conservative.

Like most bi-peds who call themselves conservatives, I just take what I want and then have my lawyer handle it. Or I pay a Congress person to change a law so I can do whatever I want.

That's the way it crumbles, Fluff, cookie-wise.* I suppose you are a Quaker.

Akamaru, your people sound cool, but what is it with these liberals that they have to have a lot of cats? I do not care about equality.

Fluff, Clarence, who is a cat, is sleeping on the scanner. He refuses to learn my name or any dog name. Well, when your brain is the size of a strawberry seed, I guess it could fill up pretty fast. Laugh all you want. I am a Buddhist, anyway.
Hey, smart cat! Sounds like he is one of my clan!

Conservative for a dog is different for a cat. I know, you guys put first dibs on humans back when you all were living in caves and hunting mastadons but once humans grew smart enough, they moved into houses and there we were!

I love you, Arthur! I will share my bones with you! What is the name of your lawyer? I could use him here.
Fluff, humans never admit that they are descended from Fred and Wilma Slintstone. And before that Chimpanzees. No, it's always Charlemagne or the Tudors.

My ancestors hung out with Flemish weavers. My human has a sewing machine. "Plus ca change, plus le meme chose." That's French, Fluff.
My mistress often tells me, Bush is a chimp. I heard on the news yestserday that there are even fewer genetic differences between chimps and humans than previously thought.

So I guess, this means eventually, humans are regressing? Looks like it from here.
Yeah, here we are, breeding leading to us being more and more superior while humans regress.

See? The Cat Plan Of World Domination is working.

Humans think they are the New World Order. Maybe it is time for us cats and you dogs to join forces and maybe even bring in Sparky, he is plenty smart and pretty big, too.

Today, the farm, tomorrow, the world!

And no pigs. We read "Animal Farm".
Akamaru, most everyone loves me unless they are stupid. Maybe you would like to join my fan club. I would comp you in and everything.

My lawyer is called Bill Able Hours, Esq.
Thank you, Arthur and thank your companion, Facti, for coming here today. I will transcribe this into an article.

Time to close this interview before I end up in court with my PETS suing me (I never lose a court case, cat!).

Anyway, this has been a lot of fun and we might do this more often.
Fluff, believe it or not, totally agree on the pigs thing. Does Sparky know his way to the grocery store? Someone would have to learn to deal with door knobs. Otherwise, I'd say we're in the clear. I'm sure I will get rich with my blog and newsletter. I could hire you to fetch snacks. I can pay bills online or get my lawyer to sue everyone so we don't have to pay any bills ever.

Akamaru, as you know I am a conservative. We are supposed to like Bush. Barney looks tense to me. Do you think he is trying to tell us something? Bush said he would get the terrorists. My human says Bush is a terrorist. I wonder if Dick Chain-ee spied on Bush.
Bush dropped Barney on his head, nearly killing him.

He is our enemy.
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